I couldn’t think straight at all. Her words echoed in my mind and in no way they seemed to help. They were in fact the opposite; the reason of my torment and why my strength slowly left my muscles. The soft seductive voice that controlled my thoughts left me confused. I wasn’t pissed. I wasn’t angry. I was at her mercy when I shouldn’t be. With just a few words she made me stare in awe and conclude there was no other way of the describing all those years we spent together. It wasn’t a yes or a no. It was just a dubious response that could mean a sincere “of course” or an ironic “hell no”. Call me naive, but it left me harmless and made me feel helpless.
The agonizing part develops like a child in its womb. The essence of the pain is the doubt. An uncertainty that drives your mind through a never ending torture.
The knife’s blade felt cold.
It stabbed straight into my heart. Half-in and half-out always twitching and turning making the pain constantly remain. You’d think your senses would fade after a while, but they don’t. The knife hurts just as much in the mind, body, and soul.
The constant debate whether you’re right or wrong; whether you know the answer or not; whether there might be hope…or not. Almost as if you unwillingly wanted to grasp insanity.
She could’ve meant yes.
But then her words would contradict themselves.
I bet she lied. She lied and did it sarcastically.
You’ll easily switch between two absurd points of view with relative ease. Then you’ll resort to logic and none of it will make sense, because later you’ll conclude logic is useless when it comes to feelings.
The hole just gets deeper and deeper. The rabbit has fooled you into his trap and not even Alice seems to be part of this wonderland. Light and hope seem distant and soon turn into a speckle of illusion. A mirage of the dumb…and that means you.
After hours of mental collision and internal conflict your soul is where your heart should be, your logic where your soul should be, and your heart torn apart.
Few understood the process I went through and even less understood why I did it. They knew I wasn’t strong enough to overcome the obstacles and even more to conquer the evil disguised in grey. They found my bones alone. No muscles, no tissue. All of it was drained from me until it hit the marrow.
From that point on I couldn’t see a thing. Darkness mixed with a faint image of old wood. Outside the capsule I could hear many lamenting. Commenting what society had lost. Those interested me not, but the ones who mentioned they had lost a friend caught my attention. A few sounded true and even less voices I could recognize. Those close and loyal enough said nothing at all, they showed themselves true to the friendship by providing the tombstone engraving.
“R.I.P. dear friend, for only in death there are no thoughts: Only certainty.”
If she was there, next to the coffin, I heard not a word. All the better because her silence would not be deciphered.
As if cared.
I chose not to be.